My mom’s Karma

I used to love spending a lot of time alone and enjoy the silence..now I just can't stand it.. whoever I used to run from, towards my lonelyness, is now running from me.
My mom left and suddenly the house became empty and dead..
I have everything I dreamed of ,yet I can't use it or share it.Now I'm the person everyone is too busy to set with or not in the right mood for. Sometimes I think it might be a pay back for things I did, I used to leave my mom stay alone at home and prefer my lonelyness rather than sitting with her ..I was a horrible daughter and I deserve every little bit of what is happening with me.That hit me the other day when I was in a friend's place, she spent the night looking at her mobile all and I end up talking to my self all the time.I even tried to stay silent so she would talk, but no ,it was dead air tell she slept . And I left hating my self . I deserve it .I should stay home alone with my ghosts rather than being a heavy load on my best friend's life.